A rather interesting subject to talk about today is Desperation. It's that very word that makes me cringe at the sight of it.
I encountered a little bit of that myself a couple of days ago, when during New Year's Eve into New Year's Day, I had the biggest reality check of my life....a surreal experience that I will never forget. So I've been staying between two hostels for the past two months since I've moved into the city. Always had a bed for me while I was working my jobs and what not. Just so happened that on New Year's Eve, they didn't have a space for me to stay since all the foreign travelers had come into the city to celebrate the new year.
Surely enough, all of my options were depleted and I had but only one choice: I was relegated to sleeping on the streets of San Francisco for the evening. Let me tell you something: Even if for a night, my perspective on everything has changed forever due to the time I spent sleeping on the side of the street, right by an alley with my luggage bag and backpack next to me. I slept with my jacket on, wore a knit cap and then I wore gloves for good measure. Hardest night of sleep I've ever endured.
I think my worry was that someone was going to steal my things, or someone may perhaps shoot me or stab me and leave me there to bleed to death. I'm not exaggerating by any means, the dangers were indeed there and it was quite a risk to endure due to the circumstances. I met a man who was not too far from me, sleeping as well under several blankets. He was a kind man and was comforting in his words he gave me as far as his experiences despite the very circumstances he found himself in as well, mind you he's been going through it much longer than I have by a considerable margin. He was laid off from his job several years ago, with his wife leaving him after alcoholism consumed him. He didn't have any children but the love he had for the woman that all of a sudden showed him the door was quite evident.
He was in a dark place when the alcohol starting pouring in he says, and as a result, he lost all sight of humanity. In ways it was very tragic for me to hear that but alas, he was quite grateful for where he was at that very moment. I asked him "Why?" And he calmly said, "You know, you just realize at some point that the moment you begin to be complacent you start to lose what you wanted in life. That's what was happening....I was losing myself, and eventually I lost the love of my life." He later told me that the whole experience gave him a new lease on life --- essentially.
He's doing a lot better now than he had a few years ago when he started out homeless: He has a new job and is transitioning into getting a cheap studio in the Tenderloin neighborhood. By the end of his pay period, he'll have money to get a room in a hostel for the time being until he can get the studio. I was very happy for the man and elated that he was certainly turning his life around. I mean, I know my experience is but a small blip in the radar, but it definitely spoke volumes to me about the adventure I've been going through, living on my own and and attempting to get a place for myself to finally settle in.
When you're in those moments of desperation, you will end up finding a new direction, and a new hope in what you want to do with your life. So my moment of desperation taught me this: To be grateful for the days I have ahead of me and to know that I will be one step closer to fulfilling all of my dreams.
To live the dream is to fight through reality.
Peace and Kelp.
-Paulus Singletary
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